I have been watching a lot of documentaries, on everything from obesity and nutrition, to divorce. Some of them are difficult to watch, like the latter mentioned. CNBC's "Divorce Wars" has left me repulsed at the state of humanity. One interview was of a woman who, after filing for divorce, suspected that her husband, a multimillionaire, was hiding money. For the next 18 years of her life, she hid away in a room and gave all she had to her own investigation of her ex-husband. After these 18 years, she "won", and settled for 15 million dollars. I am sorry, lady, but you have not "won". Fifteen million dollars is not worth the loss of 18 years of your life. And it is definitely not worth the destruction of your marriage.


"Remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world." Ephesians 2:12

Life was never meant to be lived without God. He created us to be with Him. When we are not, all things fall apart.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

I am thankful, so much more thankful than I will ever be able to express, that I am with God. I have God. He is with me. In Him all things hold together. In Him my life holds together, my heart holds together, my marriage holds together, my family holds together. He is all there is.

Injustice is breaking my heart. The depravity of humanity is breaking my heart. The sin which so easily entangles. It crushes. Society accepts it as normal, only because it is prevalent. It is a disease which is no longer considered a sickness.

Divorce began with an "at-fault" status. Divorce was legal, only, when one spouse was at at fault for adultery. A "no-fault" acceptance of divorce eventually crept itself through our law system, and now, it is hardly about who's "fault" it is.

I am not idealistic, here. I understand that divorce happens. I recognize that there is, on rare occasion, a necessity for it. And God's grace is sufficient for all of us the same. He forgives, He heals, and He restores. However, divorce is in no way ideal. It is not God's plan, and in most cases, we as a whole have abused it, and treated it far, far too lightly.

Without Him, all things fall apart. There is no hope. Two people get married with a full understanding and acceptance that their legal contract of a marriage may someday end. They even take precautions to protect them when that takes place. I'd go so far as to propose that some, on their wedding day, expect divorce at some point in future. It is a phase of life, for them, and a gamble. For them, it is not the incredible, indescribable, freeing, life-giving gift which God intends it to be. I experience this gift every day. I may not take full advantage of it. I may not realize my blessing each day, but it is there. I married a man of God. A man whom I will be with for the rest of my life on earth, and am so very, very thankful for that. Never would I wish it any other way. Never will I.

Without Him, all things fall apart. There is no hope. There is no expectation.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead," 1 Peter 1:3

Hope for my life, hope for my marriage, hope for eternity. This is not "hope", as in "I hope my marriage will never end in divorce." No. This hope is an assurance of expectation. My marriage will not only survive, it will thrive, because I have living hope in Christ Jesus, who gives me life. I do not "hope to get to Heaven one day". I have hope; a complete and assured expectation of spending eternity in a perfect existence-- in the presence of God.

God does great things in our lives. Today I reflect on a great thing He did in my life four years ago today.

February 23, 2008

Last night Gray texted me at work. "Another full moon, want to go for a hike?" Of course I jumped at the idea. I figured, though, that it was "the boys" going out hiking in the woods, with me sort of tagging along. Gray picked me up at school when I was done working. Although I would've been fine with a group, I was quite content also with just the two of us heading out. The night was so crisp, and the sky vividly clear. We drove quite a distance, far enough to leave the city behind us as a hazy reality. After walking a short while in the snowy marsh, he asked if I wanted to stop for a while. Then he asked if I wanted a fire. "Really?" My eyes lit up. I'll give it to the guy, he knows how to impress a girl! After he gathered wood from the forest behind us, he built a great fire, and pulled out a sleeping bag from his backpack for us to sit on. We must have stayed there for a good while, lying next to each other and watching the stars. We sat in silence for a while, my head resting on his shoulder. "So I was thinking," he broke the silence, "maybe we should just start dating." "Okay." I smiled. After a few minutes he surprises me again. "I want to start this off in prayer." And he takes my hand in his. Then he prays one beautifully genuine prayer, committing our relationship to God. We then made our way to Starbucks, where we stayed until 2:30 in the morning talking and reading Scriptures. I admire this guy, and I am so grateful to be entering into this relationship with him.
      Father, thank You for bringing Grayson into my life. Thank You for the encouragement and blessing he is to me. Thank You for how comfortable I am to sit next to him, hold his hand, and actually talk with him.

Today, February 22, 2012 I can still hear the crunch of the snow under my feet as we embarked on that chilly walk. I can still feel the icy cold, fresh air run through my nose and into my lungs as we walked side by side under the moon. I have never regretted  breaking curfew that night. I am more thankful than ever before that he is still, even so much more, a blessing and encouragement to me every day.

Two weeks later, March 10, 2008

I have studied love. I have compared the words and observed its Author.  And yet--even more-so now, it frightens me. Some say that love does not make sense, yet this makes sense to me. I am still apprehensive, but I am moving forward and embracing love. I have always determined myself not to play around with the term or concept of being in love. But here I am determining myself to be in love. This is a choice I am making because I believe in it. It is, most definitely, not what I expected; and I am terrified. But I believe in my heart, my mind, and my faith, that this is good. It makes sense to be in love with Grayson. Not that I have a rigid list of standards or expect any kind of perfection, but he satisfies what I have always seen as good and worthwhile--what I have wanted. He is the encouragement that I have prayed for. We are in love. I am still learning, and always will be learning what that means. It is in God's hands, and oh that it would always be.

Today, February 22, 2012, I can still recall that moment I made a decision. I made a decision to love Grayson. Aside from my emotions, my attraction, those feelings which were so foreign, I made a decision to love. It may seem less romantic than falling hopelessly in love at first sight (It took me 2 weeks to decide, after all). However, it was more than romantic. A choice to look beyond attraction, to reach beyond emotion, and to choose him over me. To serve, to respect, to adore. This choice, in my heart, mind, and soul, was forever. At that moment, I placed him in my heart as mine. I would marry him.

 

 Good Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday, Great Friday. Today Gray took me hiking back where he first asked me out. He built me another fire. He asked me to grab his camera for him. There was a box. I dismissed it. He asked me for batteries. There was that box.... I open it, then close it in disbelief. He comes to my side. He asks me to marry him! I said Yes.

Today, February 22, 2012,  I remember walking along our path, smiling, remembering a night not so long ago when we walked that same path. I remember finding large rocks, and chucking them into the woods, nonchalant and unaware of Grayson's nerves, just below the surface, anticipating the question he would soon ask me. I remember sitting in the middle of the woods, gathering sticks, and almost starting a forest fire.... I remember seeing that little red box for the very first time as I unzipped his camera bag. I remember dismissing it, too nervous to even read "Kessler" across the top. It couldn't be. But it was, because God is good.

August 8, 2009

It is our wedding day. 

Father, be glorified.

Thank You.

Leave us speechless,

but give us such communication.

You are holy,

make us holy.

Father, thank You.

Be glorified.

Today, February 22, 2012, I remember advice from my father, in the form of him sharing his heart with me. He told me one day that, when he married my mother, he had absolutely no doubt in his heart. There was no ounce of apprehension. He knew it was a right decision which God would bless. He knew it was good. On my wedding day, there was no doubt. Today, there is no doubt, no regret, no apprehension. Grayson is good, he is good for me, God richly blesses us.

 July 23, 2010

"Grayson and Eryn Lynum

Appointed to missionary service."

Today, February 22, 2012, I see in my husband such a spirit of adventure, service, discipleship, humility, and a heart for those who do not yet know Christ. I see in him an urgency to bring Christ's message of hope, His great love, to the ends of the earth. His frustration with monotony and routine, which drives us on. His strive for the big picture, the ultimate goal, which inspires me to be faithful in the little things--the process. His heart which is sold out to the purposes of God.

January 25, 2011, almost 14 weeks.

I do wonder what characteristics you'll have from your father. I hope you pick up his sensitivity.  He can communicate in such a way to relate to my soul. Take after him, little one, he is kind and gracious. Tell him that you love him, it will make his whole world. Tell him you are proud of him, he is so proud of you--already.

Today, February 22, 2012, I remember the first time I thought of my husband as a father. The father of a little precious being growing inside of me. I remember watching him slowly step into that role throughout the nine months leading to our child's arrival. A foreign thing it is, and difficult when you cannot yet hold or see your own baby. However, I remember Grayson's excitement, his anticipation of what was to come.

July 20, 2011, two days old

I have the most beautiful baby boy in this world. Grayson is a wonderful father. He takes such joy and pride in his son.

Today, February 22, 2012, I see in my husband's eyes, as he looks at our son, such pride. I see such adventure, as he dreams of the day they will take their first fishing trip together. I see all of his dreams, forming in his mind, of the time they will spend together, and the lessons they will learn together. I see such devotion and great commitment, as he talks with me of the life lessons he desire us to pass on to Ezekiel. I see such love, the love of a father for his son. This love is great.

Today, February 22, 2012, I reflect on four years. Here, written, are only the highlights. Four years, full and brimming with such goodness. Rich blessing have been bestowed on us. Four years full of lessons learned, even hard ones. Joy experienced side by side. Faithfulness received. Forgiveness lived. Hope embraced. Grace poured out.

God does great things in our lives.

 

Abraham never intended to sacrifice Isaac. He always remembered, and counted upon, the promise which God had made to him. Through Isaac a great nation would be born.

"...I and the lad will go yonder; and we will worship and return to you." Genesis 22:5

He was not lying. He was not being devious. He was not doubtful. He was acting in faith.

What was going through Abraham's mind? When would God provide an alternative, an escape from this outrageous, tragic dilemma in Abraham's heart? What was he thinking as he took each step closer to the destination?

"Where is the lamb for the burnt offering?" his son asked. "God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering, my son."

Was his heart anguished-- or confident? He walked on.

They arrived. Abraham built the alter, he arranged the wood. He bound his son.

"Your only son, whom you love..." God had commanded him.

God knew Abraham's heart. He saw, in Abraham, complete surrender, unconditional devotion, great faith in a promise made, and an anguished heart, all at this moment, as he "stretched out his hand, and took the knife to slay his son."

What, at that moment, was racing through Abraham's mind? Great conflict would not shake the confidence he had in God's Word; the promise which God had spoken to him.

"But the angel of God called to Him from Heaven..." At last, in that critical, final moment, relief swept over Abraham. An interruption; an alternative.

"Do not stretch out your hand against the lad, and do nothing to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."

His faith had not been in vain. "For now I know that you fear God..."

He walked forward in simple obedience. He did not hesitate. He did not stray to another way. He walked forward, trusting completely in a faithful God to provide a way.

"Then Abraham raised his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him a ram caught in the thicket by his horns..."

There was always a ram, always a provision, always an answer. Abraham just had to walk far enough, trusting all the way in faith and obedience, in order to see it.

Am I withholding anything from God that would keep me from seeing His solution?

He knows the way. He sees the big picture. He has made provision.

"He gave His One and only Son..." 
He sees the bigger picture.

Allow me to bear my heart a little bit here...

Thursday night I watched a couple of documentaries on the lost girls of China. I cried through them, holding tightly to my own baby, fast asleep in my arm.

After Gray got home from church, and we lie in bed talking, he told me that he can see my heart breaking for that which breaks God's heart. I began to cry, which quickly led way to weeping. I allowed myself to openly cry with no reservations, and to openly share with him the images I saw in the documentaries, and how they had affected me.

Infants tied to bamboo seats, a bucket underneath them, bobbing back and forth for lack of human contact.

An infant girl left on her own in a room for fourteen days; left to die. They filmed her crying. She cried not from hunger or boredom, not after so many days alone in that dark room. No, she cried from death. Death was overtaking her, and it hurt.

Newborn infants tossed about as rag dolls while being bathed, their arms and legs straddled, grasping for security, leaning into the orphanage worker, who would offer them none.

I cannot bear it. It breaks me. It absolutely shatters my heart to think of a helpless infant crying, and no one responding. No love, no comfort. I think, 'What if that was Ezekiel lying there, crying, alone, hungry, afraid, soaked in his soiled diaper, or even without a diaper?'

There are millions.

"It seems futile," Grayson admitted to me as we lay in bed, "there are millions." "That's exactly why it doesn't seem futile to me." I replied. "There are millions. I can't help them all, but I can help one. I cannot give love to them all, but I can give love to one."

We can change one's world. We can influence the eternity of one.

I will not write here in the open, "We are going to adopt a baby". However, those are the words I wrote in my journal. Those are the words we have spoken to one another. Unless God makes it clear that for some reason unknown to us, He does not have that in His best plan for us, then, well, you get the picture...

What child? Is he or she alive at this moment? From where? ...When...?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways." declares the Lord, "For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 

This is not simply the result of watching a couple of brutally awakening documentaries. It has been a progression. This began as nothing but a noble idea, "Oh, yes, we might like to adopt at some point." It turned then into a possible conviction. Quickly then it formed into an act of obedience in our minds. How more practically could we obey Christ's command to care for the orphans than by giving one a home, a family, a life--hope? At this point, as I saw it as an opportunity to obey Christ, fear set in. Great fear. I wanted this, but even greater than my desire was this overarching fear. To take a child in, one not born of our own flesh. How could I love him or her as much as I love Ezekiel? What a skewed thought, but it was my own. Now, as of Thursday night, it has evolved into a burning passion within me. This is something I want so greatly. I begin to cry when the thought ever so slightly enters my mind. It is strong. I do believe this is something God has for us to do.

In twenty years I'm not going to want to remember only the smiles

but also moments like these...

 

 I want to remember more than the moments he first sits up, crawls, and walks.

 

I want to harbor also the falls it took for him to get there.

 

That moment when I first laid eyes on my precious baby boy.

 

I want, also, to treasure in my mind the 9 months of swollen ankles, heartburn, fatigue, and those little hiccups in my abdomen.

As we embark upon 2012, I think back on 2011, the most blessed year of my life thus far. And not only because of this 15 pounds of pure joy

but because God has simply chosen to bless me out of His love. And He has blessed me immensely.

As I look back on 2011, I want to remember not only the successes it bore. Not only those times of happiness or even joy, but the other moments. The moments that are not so attractive, maybe even regretted, but they were put to use. They were used, still, by God's grace, to point me to something better.

I want to recall not only our financial successes, but also those times in which we were so utterly strapped for cash that all we could do was trust God.

Those occasions when I did not give in to selfishness. When I was indeed patient and kind toward my husband. But let me not forget those times I was not patient, and I was rather unkind, that I may not go there again in this new year.

May I always hold dear the times in which I learned something more of God's character; who He is. May I always cherish those moments in which I came to know Him nearer; know Him better. May I also always hold on to those times in which it was a dread to read His Word; a task, a chore. May I recall those times in which I did not want to pray. For those times teach me of my great need for His grace, His intervention in my life, His transformation in my heart.

May I store up in my mind those times in which there was great joy. Precious time alone with my husband in a cabin in the woods. The sound of Ezekiel's first cry when once he was born. Priceless time with my family, both sides, spent simply being together.

I must not fail, however, to also reserve those times of fear, of uncertainty, or of wavering, for they taught me just that much more to trust in my infinite God. My God who commanded His children, more than any other command, to "fear not". Surely He had the authority and reasoning to make such a command. For He is powerful, and He desires good for us. I have no reason to fear. 2011 taught me that, 2012 will continue to do so.

I am blessed. the past 12 months have been rich. Rich with joy, rich with mercy, rich with blessings I do not deserve. God has richly blessed me. I have nothing but anticipation for this new year, for I know--I am certain--that I have a very great God!

Baby's First Christmas.

It spurred in my mind special moments and memories to be made. A perfect picture of our son in his Christmas sweater smiling big next to our perfect Christmas tree. Making tins of beautiful Christmas treats for neighbors, family, and friends. Ezekiel unwrapping his very first Bible.

And so, as our first Christmas season with baby Ezekiel unwrapped itself, I was a little perplexed to find our tree pre-maturely dieing before I had a chance to shoot that perfect photo. Myself, sick as a dog, even in the hospital, and far too ill to make those Christmas goodies for our friends. And one over-tired, cranky baby on Christmas Eve, just a little too unhappy to enjoy unwrapping his Bible.

Things aren't always how we picture them in our minds.

Sometimes, they are a little more messy. Sometimes, a bit more complex. Sometimes, not quite ideal. But sometimes, these are the unexpected necessities of life. They teach us that life will go on without perfection, and that is just fine.

Sickness and weakness teach us of our need. I can't do it all, especially when I am too weak from illness to even pick my crying child up from his crib. I have need.

This need teaches me that it is ok to accept help. Even, to ask for help! It's healthy, in fact.

It wasn't exactly on my Christmas wish list, a night in the hospital after a simple stomach bug rapidly sent me into my first adrenal crisis, a fatal condition if not treated right away with emergency doses of my medication. the Church body is so dear. As our friends responded as soon as we called, on their way to watch our little boy as we went to the hospital. This is how the Church works, and it is incredible.

I'm thankful for that this Christmas. Things may not have unfolded as ideally as I had them laid out in my mind. But in my heart, they turned out far better. We have had 5 full days to spend with our family, the one we get to see less often. Ezekiel even met his Great Grandpa and Grandma Lynum! This time was precious for us. I didn't get that perfect picture of my little boy. Instead, I got a couple handfuls of priceless ones.

 

"And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." John 1:5

They were awaiting a king in splendor, and so went unnoticed a baby in innocence. Today, Jesus is still not who they expect.

"He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him." John 1:10

They awaited a long-anticipated Messiah, coming in glory and power, and so no thought was given to the child, clothed in humility, lying in a lowly manger.

Today, they look for an answer. In health, in wealth, in power and prestige. They give no consideration to the idea that He could be their long-awaited answer. He is not the answer they expect.

"He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him." John 1:11

They watched for a king's procession. A parade to announce the arrival of royalty. And so, no heed was given to the miracle of that one "ordinary" silent night.

Today they wait for that moment when all will make sense. If only enough insight is reached, enough knowledge gained, enough self realized. They do not see that He is the source of knowledge, the epitome of truth.

"There was the true light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man." John 1:9

They waited. Their expectations were high. Yet, the One who came, who went unnoticed, was so much greater than their expectations.

They wait. For what, they do not know. The next big thing, perhaps. An answer to anguish, a salvation from sorrow, a hope for purpose, for something worthwhile.

"And all who heard it wondered at the things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary treasured up all these things, and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:18-19

A few saw, a few understood the magnitude of this birth. This arrival of a dear child,  sovereign savior, majestic messiah, long-awaited answer.

Today, the question remains, will they see Him? Will they embrace Him as Savior, call Him Messiah, and acknowledge Him as the answer?

A tiny child born in a rickety old stable. He was born for us. He lived for us. He was killed for us. He rose for us!

"I am the way, and the truth, and the life;" -Jesus.