Allow me to bear my heart a little bit here...

Thursday night I watched a couple of documentaries on the lost girls of China. I cried through them, holding tightly to my own baby, fast asleep in my arm.

After Gray got home from church, and we lie in bed talking, he told me that he can see my heart breaking for that which breaks God's heart. I began to cry, which quickly led way to weeping. I allowed myself to openly cry with no reservations, and to openly share with him the images I saw in the documentaries, and how they had affected me.

Infants tied to bamboo seats, a bucket underneath them, bobbing back and forth for lack of human contact.

An infant girl left on her own in a room for fourteen days; left to die. They filmed her crying. She cried not from hunger or boredom, not after so many days alone in that dark room. No, she cried from death. Death was overtaking her, and it hurt.

Newborn infants tossed about as rag dolls while being bathed, their arms and legs straddled, grasping for security, leaning into the orphanage worker, who would offer them none.

I cannot bear it. It breaks me. It absolutely shatters my heart to think of a helpless infant crying, and no one responding. No love, no comfort. I think, 'What if that was Ezekiel lying there, crying, alone, hungry, afraid, soaked in his soiled diaper, or even without a diaper?'

There are millions.

"It seems futile," Grayson admitted to me as we lay in bed, "there are millions." "That's exactly why it doesn't seem futile to me." I replied. "There are millions. I can't help them all, but I can help one. I cannot give love to them all, but I can give love to one."

We can change one's world. We can influence the eternity of one.

I will not write here in the open, "We are going to adopt a baby". However, those are the words I wrote in my journal. Those are the words we have spoken to one another. Unless God makes it clear that for some reason unknown to us, He does not have that in His best plan for us, then, well, you get the picture...

What child? Is he or she alive at this moment? From where? ...When...?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways." declares the Lord, "For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 

This is not simply the result of watching a couple of brutally awakening documentaries. It has been a progression. This began as nothing but a noble idea, "Oh, yes, we might like to adopt at some point." It turned then into a possible conviction. Quickly then it formed into an act of obedience in our minds. How more practically could we obey Christ's command to care for the orphans than by giving one a home, a family, a life--hope? At this point, as I saw it as an opportunity to obey Christ, fear set in. Great fear. I wanted this, but even greater than my desire was this overarching fear. To take a child in, one not born of our own flesh. How could I love him or her as much as I love Ezekiel? What a skewed thought, but it was my own. Now, as of Thursday night, it has evolved into a burning passion within me. This is something I want so greatly. I begin to cry when the thought ever so slightly enters my mind. It is strong. I do believe this is something God has for us to do.

In twenty years I'm not going to want to remember only the smiles

but also moments like these...

 

 I want to remember more than the moments he first sits up, crawls, and walks.

 

I want to harbor also the falls it took for him to get there.

 

That moment when I first laid eyes on my precious baby boy.

 

I want, also, to treasure in my mind the 9 months of swollen ankles, heartburn, fatigue, and those little hiccups in my abdomen.

As we embark upon 2012, I think back on 2011, the most blessed year of my life thus far. And not only because of this 15 pounds of pure joy

but because God has simply chosen to bless me out of His love. And He has blessed me immensely.

As I look back on 2011, I want to remember not only the successes it bore. Not only those times of happiness or even joy, but the other moments. The moments that are not so attractive, maybe even regretted, but they were put to use. They were used, still, by God's grace, to point me to something better.

I want to recall not only our financial successes, but also those times in which we were so utterly strapped for cash that all we could do was trust God.

Those occasions when I did not give in to selfishness. When I was indeed patient and kind toward my husband. But let me not forget those times I was not patient, and I was rather unkind, that I may not go there again in this new year.

May I always hold dear the times in which I learned something more of God's character; who He is. May I always cherish those moments in which I came to know Him nearer; know Him better. May I also always hold on to those times in which it was a dread to read His Word; a task, a chore. May I recall those times in which I did not want to pray. For those times teach me of my great need for His grace, His intervention in my life, His transformation in my heart.

May I store up in my mind those times in which there was great joy. Precious time alone with my husband in a cabin in the woods. The sound of Ezekiel's first cry when once he was born. Priceless time with my family, both sides, spent simply being together.

I must not fail, however, to also reserve those times of fear, of uncertainty, or of wavering, for they taught me just that much more to trust in my infinite God. My God who commanded His children, more than any other command, to "fear not". Surely He had the authority and reasoning to make such a command. For He is powerful, and He desires good for us. I have no reason to fear. 2011 taught me that, 2012 will continue to do so.

I am blessed. the past 12 months have been rich. Rich with joy, rich with mercy, rich with blessings I do not deserve. God has richly blessed me. I have nothing but anticipation for this new year, for I know--I am certain--that I have a very great God!