On the Problem of Evil

My sister came to visit and bake Christmas cookies with me on Thursday. She and I are both fairly new to motherhood; myself in just 17 months, and her only 4 months with my baby niece. As we took a lunch break from our rigorous baking, she and I discussed  the rather extreme and irrational fears mothers have for their children. Everything from dreams to quick glimpses of dangers surrounding them at the park, the market, and the zoo. We agreed that although they are rather extreme and sometimes a plague, they have their place in helping us to identify dangers around our children that others may not see, enabling us to protect our little ones from harm.

The very next morning 20 children were shot to death in their elementary school in Connecticut, and an additional 22 children were slashed by knife, although not killed, in China.

I thought at first to not write about this. I fear giving any publicity to these monstrosities, for that is surely what the attackers desired. However, I have found for my own sense of sanity, I have to think these things through. I told my sister Andi on Wednesday that I have had to stop reading the news, for the fear it invokes in me for my son. However, with attacks such as these, to this extent and toward such a target as these attackers had, I must process through them. My husband is not on Facebook, and so the only news he heard of the shooting in Connecticut was the text he received from me, and what he caught on the radio during his 10-minute commute home. Last night I recounted to him the various details I had read throughout the day of the attack. I felt bad sharing with him such devastating news that he had been spared from throughout the day, but it made me realize something about myself--I must talk it through, lest it kill me inside.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7. I heard someone point out recently, concerning this verse, that fear is indeed a spirit, but not one we are subject to. Much like temptation, lust, anger, pride, jealousy, depression, and confusion, these are all things that we have put away with the old self.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

We put away fear, for we belong to the One who has overcome all fear, and all evil which lies behind our fears. We overcome in Him!

"For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? " 1 John 5:4-5

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?  He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?  Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies;  who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.  Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  Just as it is written,

“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Romans 8:31-39

 

 

 This is what I wrote in my Gratitude Journal this morning:

 

"My children are safe. In a world of uncertainty and evil, they are protected in the hand of their Maker. At time this is not enough assurance for me. As a mother I want a complete guarantee of their safety and well-being; that no harm will befall them.This is my falter, my own lack of faith. Is He not big enough? Is He not able? Did He not love them first? Has He not already secured victory over evil? He is and He has. My children rest secure in His arms."

 

Evil surrounds us. Not because God is not caring; is not loving, as the world supposes. He is in actuality the very essence of love, seen in the sacrifice of His very own son, His only son, to redeem us out of this evil life and ultimately out of an eternity of unimaginable anguish. Why, then, would He allow 20 children to be shot to death? Why would He allow someone to slash 22 little boys and girls with a knife? Is He cruel, or simply distant? No, it shatters and tortures His own heart more than our own, for He created those little ones simply so He could know them and be near to them. God hates evil. Yet here it is, evil, right in front of us, and not only on the dark days of these attacks, but every single day.

 

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:10-12

 

 

God does not cause this evil, for He is only good. Evil is not His problem, it is ours. We welcomed it, we embraced it, and so we must suffer from its consequences. God is just, and so He will not simply "excuse" it, He must see its punishment through to make things right. God is also loving, and so He provided the one way--the only possible way--for us to escape the punishment of evil--He sent the only One Who could take the punishment away from us, placing it upon Himself, bearing our own penalty upon Himself--this is Jesus. He is just, He is loving, He is perfect.

 

In our finite minds, these atrocities are too much to wrap our heads around, and fear creeps in to consume us, fear of what we cannot control. I rest secure only in the truth that Christ has conquered, and He is the One who created and loves my children more than I will ever fathom, far more perfectly than I will ever be capable of loving them. I cannot claim to completely understand, but knowing God's love is enough. His love is sufficient, and in it--in Him--I rest secure.

I am blessed in the midst of monotony. I have so much to take hope in. When all seems the same yet another day, I take comfort knowing all that I have to anticipate. When I hit a wall, and all is stagnant; no progress made, no motion at all, I take heart, I take joy in all that the Lord is doing.

 When we feel only stuck, I know the Spirit is at work. I trust that He is unrelenting. In the time, in the process, in the wait is found unmeasurable growth--preparation. Difficult to see, as it is, while we are in the midst of it, I know it is God's tool in our life. I am certain that He is unrelenting. He will continue this work, even when it seems as though all work has ceased. In the wait there is progress, there is motion, there is hope.

At times the time itself is our darkness. As we think of what we originally planned, thought to be the way it should go, we almost laugh now, in fact we do. Oh, what we though we knew. What we didn't know. What we have yet to learn. The learning requires the wait.

Our desire is an ocean away. Held up in a whole different culture, another world where certainly great darkness awaits us. Romanticized as it is at times in our minds, this distant land, another life of adventure, there lies the challenge--the biggest, most difficult challenges we have yet to face. There in that whole new land, existent now but not yet our reality, in that land lies a darkness we cannot fathom, one we can only imagine to the smallest extent. That which we long for will be our great discouragement. We've been told this, we've been warned. Our adventurous spirits, our excitement drives us to press on and overcome.

We know, however, that adventure is short-lived; excitement evaporates with circumstance. We will overcome only through Him Who overcame. He is unrelenting, our Savior. With our without us, He will save souls. He was unrelenting as those closest to Him forsook Him--turned their backs and betrayed Him. He was unrelenting as blood spilled from his wrists, His forehead, and finally His side. He was unrelenting when His greatest darkness overtook Him, when His own Father turned away. He is unrelenting still, desiring that His greatest sacrifice will not go without cause, but that those He came to save will be saved indeed. With or without us, He is unrelenting.

We only pray He grants us the grace that we, also, may be unrelenting to see this work done. Unrelenting in the wait, to know Him more, and see those here come to know Him more. Unrelenting here, or in a distant land, unrelenting wherever He has us to make His name known. To have the same spirit of boldness--His very Spirit of boldness which the apostles in the early church prayed for and received.

"And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness." Acts 4:29

May we be unrelenting in this prayer.

"...and they were filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness." Acts 4:31

May He be unrelenting in pouring out His Spirit.

"And with great power the apostles were giving their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all." Acts 4:33

 

May He be unrelenting in pouring out His grace as we wait and as we go--as we speak His name.

 

 

 

"So, what do you think about Mother God?"
Grace, the young Korean woman who had approached me in Barnes and Nobles stared at me in expectation, awaiting my reply. I recognized the look in her eyes. I could attest that I hold the same look in my own eyes after I share with someone the good new of salvation in Jesus alone. A deep longing to be understood; that your message will be heard and embraced.

"I do not believe in a Mother God." I said it so matter-of-factly; no quiver in my voice, no doubt. Only confident in what I know to be true. She looked shocked. Deflated. "Even after this verse, about the Spirit and Bride...?" I countered, "I believe this verse is referring to the Church." I did not blink. Her eyes, however, dodged back and forth between the pages of her Bible, the one she knows with such familiarity. The same Bible, in fact, that I read. Only her study is undermined by a great influence of false teachings.

"What about these verses?" She was growing frantic. I would not budge. "I believe that is an improper interpretation." She looked at me with dismay. She was distraught, even, that after an hour and a half of investigating the Scriptures together, I did not see her "truth". I almost felt for her, recognizing that discouragement, knowing it myself when, after telling someone about Jesus every way I know how to, still they do not believe.

"What about Jesus?" I kept bringing it back to Jesus, realizing that from the very outset that this--He--is of secondary importance to them; to Grace.

I posed another argument:  "You are saying that, since God has to come again to earth, as Mother God, to bring salvation, then Jesus was not enough." Her eyes brightened, as though she had the answer. Another answer to the arguments she was surely scripted to oppose. She was well studied in false doctrines. "Oh yes, Jesus was salvation to those who believed in Him, but only during the "time of Jesus". Now we are in the "time of the Holy Spirit". We must now believe that God is coming to earth again, as Mother God, to bring us salvation."

I looked her square in the eyes, sure to gather her full attention. "So, Jesus was not enough?" She steered the conversation elsewhere.

"So, let me ask you then," I broke her from her mental script and agenda once again. "If Mother God has to come in order to bring salvation, do you, right now, in this moment believe that you are saved?" I had struck a chord. "Yes. Yes I am saved through practicing the Passover." The Passover. Ah, so Jesus is not enough, then.

What is so different between Grace and Myself? In the end, we were both unsuccessful in convincing the other of our message; of "selling our truth". Is it all relative? The difference is that Jesus is sufficient. He is enough. We need not add to His Gospel; not another god, not another way to be saved, not a system of works. We mustn't.

"This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”" Acts 4:11-12

Grayson put it well as we drove home from Barnes and Nobles, and I recounted to him my conversation with Grace. "When you take Jesus out of the picture, you can make the Bible say whatever you want, it doesn't matter. Without Jesus, nothing matters. Satan wins when he can convince someone that Christ is not preeminent. If Satan can convince someone that Christ is unimportant, then he can convince them of anything."

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross." Colossians 1:15-20

Right before my conversation with Grace ended, I asked her if I could pray with her. She sat in shock for a moment. "Pray? Here?" I remained calm. "Yes, if that's alright. If you are comfortable with that." She collected herself. "Well, we pray in the new name of Jesus." I smiled. "Well, would it be alright if I prayed in Jesus' name?" She looked sheepish; uncomfortable. "No...we don't do that."

In Jesus' name, show Grace Your truth.

"If your schedule doesn't allow time to be with God and draw on His strength, then rework your priorities and make a new schedule. The old one is not working." -Stormie Omartian, Power of a Praying Wife

I find that Christians, speaking generally, have set up a legalistic system. There is an unspoken rule that we must spend time daily with the Lord. "Quiet times", or, "Daily devotionals" must be squeezed into our already buzzing schedules. Nifty little books promise the best return out of only a small time commitment. "Start with just 10 minutes a day, then slowly increase your time", we're instructed. Oh, Church, when did spending time with our Lord become to us so burdensome? Is He not the One who takes all of our burdens upon Himself? Is He not the one who instructs us to cast them all upon His shoulders? How, then, has that in itself become such a burden?

I would compare it to a desire of physical health. We know it is "good for us". However, we also know it beseeches us for our time, entreats us for sacrifice, implores from us maybe a little more than we are willing to give. After all, we assume there will be challenge. There may be even a confrontation of unhealthy habits, and a requirement of change.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Yet we are too labored, too busy, too weary, too tired to come to Him. 

 He who made such a sacrifice to make possible our coming to Him. He who shed His own blood, tearing the veil that separated us from God. He who made possible our access to boldly come before the throne of grace, and to find mercy and grace to help in time of need. It is He who we find a burden.

 

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water." Hebrews 10:19-22 

 Oh that my heart would echo the cry of the Apostle Paul's in proclaiming, "More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ" Philippians 3:8

Without Him, all is loss. Nothing matters. Daily I must draw from Him my strength. Apart from him I am no wife, I am no mother, I am no friend. Apart from Him I have nothing to offer. I must cast my burdens upon Him, my Shelter, my Refuge, my Strength. 

He has freed us! Let us not place ourselves again under a law, a guilt-laden mind game we cannot win. And let us not lose heart, or punish ourselves if a day goes by that we do not open His Word. Rather let us use it to learn just all the more desperately we need His Truth in every area of our life. Let us simply draw near with true hearts to the One who has made possible the way to do so.

Today was a very proud day. At the end of the service at our church, our pastor asked all of the mothers to stand so that they could be recognized. Today I stood.

My first Mother's Day has left me reeling, relishing and reflecting on how blessed I am. Today I stood, yes proud. Proud because I have the most adorable, hilarious, handsome, precious, sweetest, wonderful son on the face of this earth (I may be a tad bit biased).

However, more than proud, I was humbled to stand. Even more than proud, I am humbled to be a mother. I have been given such a gift, such a privilege that I do not deserve. I am nothing, yet God gave to me a son. A precious, unique, one-of-a-kind, brilliant creation of His own. A child whom He loves more than I ever could. God has entrusted this child into our care. I am greatly humbled.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

"I thank Him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because He judged me faithful, appointing me to His service" 1 Timothy 1:12

God has enabled me for this great task known as motherhood. He has greatly provided everything I need to carry out this ministry He has gifted to me. He has provided a leader for me in Grayson, one to lead with grace and wisdom. One to help, support, and encourage me. One to bounce ideas off of. One to share the laughs, joys, and tantrums with. One to embark on  this incredible journey of parenthood with. He is not just a father by biological means. Grayson has become a father in every sense, a man of God whom I am proud to call the father of my child. Watching him interact with Ezekiel--teaching him, laughing with him, reading to him, I realize that God had a hand in picking this man to be Ezekiel's daddy.

God has equipped me with a phenomenal model of motherhood. My own mom. A woman after God's heart. A woman of strength. A woman who has shown me what it means to respect, love, serve, and adore the husband God blesses us with. A woman of such love, compassion, creativity, and passion. She is fun! She nurtured me as I grew, and encouraged me to pursue the Lord with fervor. My mom is a hero of mine, this is for sure. In her I find the kind of mother I aspire to be.

And, one of the benefits of marriage (yes, benefits!) is that I find myself now with another mom! She may have only come into my life a short 4 years ago, but she has played, and continues to do so, such an astounding role in my life. Her passion to serve the Lord and love her family inspires me. She and my father-in-law raised such an incredible man, my husband. They raised him to love the Lord. For this I am forever grateful. I would ask no more from God in a father and mother in law. He has blessed me so greatly with the privilege of calling them family.

God has equipped me for motherhood through His Spirit and His Word. He bestows grace upon me each day. Yes, I become tired (quite often, chasing around a ten-month-old!) but I never tire of caring for Ezekiel. Christ gives me strength for each morning, and every evening. Yes, some days are more trying, but His grace is sufficient. His mercy is over-encompassing. I am never begrudging of this task. No, I am humbled that God has set this great responsibility before me. I am not always patient, but His patience makes up for my lack. Every moment I need it, He is fully willing to supply. I am not happy every moment, at every turn (hard to believe, I know, with this bundle of joy!), but I am always joyful. Christ has given me great joy. Joy abundant in His provision, His salvation, and the ministry He has trusted unto Grayson and me to raise this little boy to love and follow Him.

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father..." Colossians 1:11-12


I realize that this day is not a joyous one for all. For many, it is indeed a day of celebration. However, for others it is a day of mourning. I consider those who have lost their mother. I think of those, even those quite dear to me, who have lost a child, whether in the womb, or even after holding their little one. I think also of those with a great desire to become parents, but have not yet seen their desire fulfilled.  I cannot begin to understand the depth of this grief. I won't even attempt to relate to their hurt. However, I can attest to the magnificent, sufficient grace of our God. The God who heals. The God who mends. No, we don't understand these overwhelming adversities, but we cling to the One whom we know is good. He loves us. He knows our pain, no matter how deep. This I am certain of. 




"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

His grace is sufficient. He is enough in grief. He is enough for our every need. He is enough when He has called us to a great task. For me, I depend on His sufficient provision each day. Every morning, when I awake to that little boy across the hall calling out for me to rescue him from the confines of his crib, I say a little prayer. "Lord, give me grace for this day." Only, it is not a little prayer by any means. I need Him. I need Him desperately. I need Him to equip me, to enable me, to love me so that I can love. I need Him so that I can be a wife and a mother. I need Him so that I can be a follower of Christ. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him.

I am not worthy, yet Christ has saved me. He gave Himself for me. He died for me! I am not worthy, yet He counts me worthy. I am not worthy, yet He has blessed me beyond what I could ever ask. I am not worthy, yet He is good. He is so very, very good. He has given me hope and a future. He has given me not only eternal life, but abundant life here on earth. That abundant life is so evident in His blessings. My husband, my son.

Today in church I stood. I stood because I am a mom. Mommy. A dream always in my heart. A dream realized on July 18 2011, when a precious little boy was born. When first I laid eyes on him, the surreal reality of the moment overwhelmed me. I was thoroughly overtaken, enough that I could not grasp that the tiny little being whom the doctor handed to me was mine. Mine. Ezekiel Grayson Lynum. I am so humbled that God would give me this gift. He would give Grayson and me this responsibility. Yes, He loves us. He loves us indeed.

"And when Pilate saw that he was accomplishing nothing, but rather that a riot was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the multitude, saying, 'I am innocent of this Man's blood; see to that yourselves.' And all the people answered and said, 'His blood be on us and our children!'" Matthew 27:24-25

"His blood be on us and our children!" They proudly condemned Him to death, embracing responsibility for His crucifixion. They wanted His blood on their hands.

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

It was not their work to claim. Their proclamations of "Crucify Him, crucify Him!" did not pound those nails through His flesh. It was Christ's own doing, His act of obedience which brought Him to that dreadful, blessed tree.

Because of His sacrifice, today I may proclaim, "His blood be on us and our children." His precious, perfect, priceless, saving blood be lavished upon us, covering every part of who we are, that when the Father God looks upon us, He sees not our sin, but Jesus' blood. His own blood, without fault or blemish, poured over us saving us to the uttermost, rendering us complete in Thee. His blood freely given, that we may freely receive, granting us complete victory in this life and a full eternity in His presence. By His blood we are purchased. Some 2,000 years ago the crowd sought His blood, shouting "His blood be on us and our children!", condemning Him although He was perfect. Today I may make the same proclamation, "His blood be on us and our children!", only mine is not a scorn, but a plead. I rejoice in the blood poured out to cover a multitude of sins, covering us and setting us free.

"This is the blood of my covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins." Matthew 26:28

"Unto Him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in His own blood." Revelation 1:5

"Where are you?"

"Then He said, 'Behold, I have come to do Thy will...By this will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Hebrews 10:9-10

God's will is that we would be sanctified. Was this His will initially? Why would it need to be? Why would we need by sanctified, or "set apart" if mankind was originally in perfect relationship with God? What would we need to be set apart from? What would we need to be set apart to, if in the beginning God's creation, mankind, was in perfect stride with God's purposes? There was no need to be set apart. Mankind was with God and for God.

The first recorded question in mankind's existence was, "Where are you?". God was walking through the Garden of Eden in search of Adam and Eve. God is all-knowing. He knew exactly where they were. His question, "Where are you?" could be understood also as the statement, "You are no longer near Me".

God's will for humankind, as He created our race, was that we would be near to Him, in His presence. His will remains the same today.

"Where are you?"

"Remember that you were at that time separate from Christ, excluded from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world." Ephesians 2:12

"Where are you?" connotes a separation. Sin was introduced into the world. It became imbedded into our makeup, spreading a vicious, inescapable death sentence throughout our entire race for all time.

"Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned." Romans 5:12

God is life. Apart from Him there is only death. "Where are you?" Separation. Death.

However, we must remember that God's will is that we would be near to Him, in His presence. He would make an escape from this damnation. He would cure our infectious disease of sin.

He would give us a gift. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not die but have eternal life." John 3:16

"But the free gift is not like the transgression. For if by the transgression of the one (Adam) the many died, much more did the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abound to the many." Romans 5:15

God freely gave us a gift--eternal life with Him, through His Son Jesus Christ! Jesus' hands were pierced through with nails as He was hung upon a cross. He was crucified, although He was blameless. He took our blame--every person for all time. All of our sins were cast upon Him, as He was punished in our place, that we may be spared. He experienced physical death, and even a brief separation from God, so that we would never have to experience eternal death and eternal separation from God.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

We need not strive to earn this salvation. All attempts to earn it would be futile, for it is a gift. All that needs to take place is a reception.

"For if by the transgression of the one (Adam), death reigned through the one, much more those who receive the abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ." Romans 5:17

We are delivered out of  our death sentence into full, complete, abundant life in Christ! If only we will receive the free gift He has given--Himself.

Jesus promised:  "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears my word, and believes in Him Who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgement, but has passed out of death into life." John 5:24

"But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. Ephesians 2:13

"Where are you?"

I have been watching a lot of documentaries, on everything from obesity and nutrition, to divorce. Some of them are difficult to watch, like the latter mentioned. CNBC's "Divorce Wars" has left me repulsed at the state of humanity. One interview was of a woman who, after filing for divorce, suspected that her husband, a multimillionaire, was hiding money. For the next 18 years of her life, she hid away in a room and gave all she had to her own investigation of her ex-husband. After these 18 years, she "won", and settled for 15 million dollars. I am sorry, lady, but you have not "won". Fifteen million dollars is not worth the loss of 18 years of your life. And it is definitely not worth the destruction of your marriage.


"Remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world." Ephesians 2:12

Life was never meant to be lived without God. He created us to be with Him. When we are not, all things fall apart.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

I am thankful, so much more thankful than I will ever be able to express, that I am with God. I have God. He is with me. In Him all things hold together. In Him my life holds together, my heart holds together, my marriage holds together, my family holds together. He is all there is.

Injustice is breaking my heart. The depravity of humanity is breaking my heart. The sin which so easily entangles. It crushes. Society accepts it as normal, only because it is prevalent. It is a disease which is no longer considered a sickness.

Divorce began with an "at-fault" status. Divorce was legal, only, when one spouse was at at fault for adultery. A "no-fault" acceptance of divorce eventually crept itself through our law system, and now, it is hardly about who's "fault" it is.

I am not idealistic, here. I understand that divorce happens. I recognize that there is, on rare occasion, a necessity for it. And God's grace is sufficient for all of us the same. He forgives, He heals, and He restores. However, divorce is in no way ideal. It is not God's plan, and in most cases, we as a whole have abused it, and treated it far, far too lightly.

Without Him, all things fall apart. There is no hope. Two people get married with a full understanding and acceptance that their legal contract of a marriage may someday end. They even take precautions to protect them when that takes place. I'd go so far as to propose that some, on their wedding day, expect divorce at some point in future. It is a phase of life, for them, and a gamble. For them, it is not the incredible, indescribable, freeing, life-giving gift which God intends it to be. I experience this gift every day. I may not take full advantage of it. I may not realize my blessing each day, but it is there. I married a man of God. A man whom I will be with for the rest of my life on earth, and am so very, very thankful for that. Never would I wish it any other way. Never will I.

Without Him, all things fall apart. There is no hope. There is no expectation.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead," 1 Peter 1:3

Hope for my life, hope for my marriage, hope for eternity. This is not "hope", as in "I hope my marriage will never end in divorce." No. This hope is an assurance of expectation. My marriage will not only survive, it will thrive, because I have living hope in Christ Jesus, who gives me life. I do not "hope to get to Heaven one day". I have hope; a complete and assured expectation of spending eternity in a perfect existence-- in the presence of God.

God does great things in our lives. Today I reflect on a great thing He did in my life four years ago today.

February 23, 2008

Last night Gray texted me at work. "Another full moon, want to go for a hike?" Of course I jumped at the idea. I figured, though, that it was "the boys" going out hiking in the woods, with me sort of tagging along. Gray picked me up at school when I was done working. Although I would've been fine with a group, I was quite content also with just the two of us heading out. The night was so crisp, and the sky vividly clear. We drove quite a distance, far enough to leave the city behind us as a hazy reality. After walking a short while in the snowy marsh, he asked if I wanted to stop for a while. Then he asked if I wanted a fire. "Really?" My eyes lit up. I'll give it to the guy, he knows how to impress a girl! After he gathered wood from the forest behind us, he built a great fire, and pulled out a sleeping bag from his backpack for us to sit on. We must have stayed there for a good while, lying next to each other and watching the stars. We sat in silence for a while, my head resting on his shoulder. "So I was thinking," he broke the silence, "maybe we should just start dating." "Okay." I smiled. After a few minutes he surprises me again. "I want to start this off in prayer." And he takes my hand in his. Then he prays one beautifully genuine prayer, committing our relationship to God. We then made our way to Starbucks, where we stayed until 2:30 in the morning talking and reading Scriptures. I admire this guy, and I am so grateful to be entering into this relationship with him.
      Father, thank You for bringing Grayson into my life. Thank You for the encouragement and blessing he is to me. Thank You for how comfortable I am to sit next to him, hold his hand, and actually talk with him.

Today, February 22, 2012 I can still hear the crunch of the snow under my feet as we embarked on that chilly walk. I can still feel the icy cold, fresh air run through my nose and into my lungs as we walked side by side under the moon. I have never regretted  breaking curfew that night. I am more thankful than ever before that he is still, even so much more, a blessing and encouragement to me every day.

Two weeks later, March 10, 2008

I have studied love. I have compared the words and observed its Author.  And yet--even more-so now, it frightens me. Some say that love does not make sense, yet this makes sense to me. I am still apprehensive, but I am moving forward and embracing love. I have always determined myself not to play around with the term or concept of being in love. But here I am determining myself to be in love. This is a choice I am making because I believe in it. It is, most definitely, not what I expected; and I am terrified. But I believe in my heart, my mind, and my faith, that this is good. It makes sense to be in love with Grayson. Not that I have a rigid list of standards or expect any kind of perfection, but he satisfies what I have always seen as good and worthwhile--what I have wanted. He is the encouragement that I have prayed for. We are in love. I am still learning, and always will be learning what that means. It is in God's hands, and oh that it would always be.

Today, February 22, 2012, I can still recall that moment I made a decision. I made a decision to love Grayson. Aside from my emotions, my attraction, those feelings which were so foreign, I made a decision to love. It may seem less romantic than falling hopelessly in love at first sight (It took me 2 weeks to decide, after all). However, it was more than romantic. A choice to look beyond attraction, to reach beyond emotion, and to choose him over me. To serve, to respect, to adore. This choice, in my heart, mind, and soul, was forever. At that moment, I placed him in my heart as mine. I would marry him.

 

 Good Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday, Great Friday. Today Gray took me hiking back where he first asked me out. He built me another fire. He asked me to grab his camera for him. There was a box. I dismissed it. He asked me for batteries. There was that box.... I open it, then close it in disbelief. He comes to my side. He asks me to marry him! I said Yes.

Today, February 22, 2012,  I remember walking along our path, smiling, remembering a night not so long ago when we walked that same path. I remember finding large rocks, and chucking them into the woods, nonchalant and unaware of Grayson's nerves, just below the surface, anticipating the question he would soon ask me. I remember sitting in the middle of the woods, gathering sticks, and almost starting a forest fire.... I remember seeing that little red box for the very first time as I unzipped his camera bag. I remember dismissing it, too nervous to even read "Kessler" across the top. It couldn't be. But it was, because God is good.

August 8, 2009

It is our wedding day. 

Father, be glorified.

Thank You.

Leave us speechless,

but give us such communication.

You are holy,

make us holy.

Father, thank You.

Be glorified.

Today, February 22, 2012, I remember advice from my father, in the form of him sharing his heart with me. He told me one day that, when he married my mother, he had absolutely no doubt in his heart. There was no ounce of apprehension. He knew it was a right decision which God would bless. He knew it was good. On my wedding day, there was no doubt. Today, there is no doubt, no regret, no apprehension. Grayson is good, he is good for me, God richly blesses us.

 July 23, 2010

"Grayson and Eryn Lynum

Appointed to missionary service."

Today, February 22, 2012, I see in my husband such a spirit of adventure, service, discipleship, humility, and a heart for those who do not yet know Christ. I see in him an urgency to bring Christ's message of hope, His great love, to the ends of the earth. His frustration with monotony and routine, which drives us on. His strive for the big picture, the ultimate goal, which inspires me to be faithful in the little things--the process. His heart which is sold out to the purposes of God.

January 25, 2011, almost 14 weeks.

I do wonder what characteristics you'll have from your father. I hope you pick up his sensitivity.  He can communicate in such a way to relate to my soul. Take after him, little one, he is kind and gracious. Tell him that you love him, it will make his whole world. Tell him you are proud of him, he is so proud of you--already.

Today, February 22, 2012, I remember the first time I thought of my husband as a father. The father of a little precious being growing inside of me. I remember watching him slowly step into that role throughout the nine months leading to our child's arrival. A foreign thing it is, and difficult when you cannot yet hold or see your own baby. However, I remember Grayson's excitement, his anticipation of what was to come.

July 20, 2011, two days old

I have the most beautiful baby boy in this world. Grayson is a wonderful father. He takes such joy and pride in his son.

Today, February 22, 2012, I see in my husband's eyes, as he looks at our son, such pride. I see such adventure, as he dreams of the day they will take their first fishing trip together. I see all of his dreams, forming in his mind, of the time they will spend together, and the lessons they will learn together. I see such devotion and great commitment, as he talks with me of the life lessons he desire us to pass on to Ezekiel. I see such love, the love of a father for his son. This love is great.

Today, February 22, 2012, I reflect on four years. Here, written, are only the highlights. Four years, full and brimming with such goodness. Rich blessing have been bestowed on us. Four years full of lessons learned, even hard ones. Joy experienced side by side. Faithfulness received. Forgiveness lived. Hope embraced. Grace poured out.

God does great things in our lives.

 

Abraham never intended to sacrifice Isaac. He always remembered, and counted upon, the promise which God had made to him. Through Isaac a great nation would be born.

"...I and the lad will go yonder; and we will worship and return to you." Genesis 22:5

He was not lying. He was not being devious. He was not doubtful. He was acting in faith.

What was going through Abraham's mind? When would God provide an alternative, an escape from this outrageous, tragic dilemma in Abraham's heart? What was he thinking as he took each step closer to the destination?

"Where is the lamb for the burnt offering?" his son asked. "God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering, my son."

Was his heart anguished-- or confident? He walked on.

They arrived. Abraham built the alter, he arranged the wood. He bound his son.

"Your only son, whom you love..." God had commanded him.

God knew Abraham's heart. He saw, in Abraham, complete surrender, unconditional devotion, great faith in a promise made, and an anguished heart, all at this moment, as he "stretched out his hand, and took the knife to slay his son."

What, at that moment, was racing through Abraham's mind? Great conflict would not shake the confidence he had in God's Word; the promise which God had spoken to him.

"But the angel of God called to Him from Heaven..." At last, in that critical, final moment, relief swept over Abraham. An interruption; an alternative.

"Do not stretch out your hand against the lad, and do nothing to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."

His faith had not been in vain. "For now I know that you fear God..."

He walked forward in simple obedience. He did not hesitate. He did not stray to another way. He walked forward, trusting completely in a faithful God to provide a way.

"Then Abraham raised his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him a ram caught in the thicket by his horns..."

There was always a ram, always a provision, always an answer. Abraham just had to walk far enough, trusting all the way in faith and obedience, in order to see it.

Am I withholding anything from God that would keep me from seeing His solution?

He knows the way. He sees the big picture. He has made provision.

"He gave His One and only Son..." 
He sees the bigger picture.

Allow me to bear my heart a little bit here...

Thursday night I watched a couple of documentaries on the lost girls of China. I cried through them, holding tightly to my own baby, fast asleep in my arm.

After Gray got home from church, and we lie in bed talking, he told me that he can see my heart breaking for that which breaks God's heart. I began to cry, which quickly led way to weeping. I allowed myself to openly cry with no reservations, and to openly share with him the images I saw in the documentaries, and how they had affected me.

Infants tied to bamboo seats, a bucket underneath them, bobbing back and forth for lack of human contact.

An infant girl left on her own in a room for fourteen days; left to die. They filmed her crying. She cried not from hunger or boredom, not after so many days alone in that dark room. No, she cried from death. Death was overtaking her, and it hurt.

Newborn infants tossed about as rag dolls while being bathed, their arms and legs straddled, grasping for security, leaning into the orphanage worker, who would offer them none.

I cannot bear it. It breaks me. It absolutely shatters my heart to think of a helpless infant crying, and no one responding. No love, no comfort. I think, 'What if that was Ezekiel lying there, crying, alone, hungry, afraid, soaked in his soiled diaper, or even without a diaper?'

There are millions.

"It seems futile," Grayson admitted to me as we lay in bed, "there are millions." "That's exactly why it doesn't seem futile to me." I replied. "There are millions. I can't help them all, but I can help one. I cannot give love to them all, but I can give love to one."

We can change one's world. We can influence the eternity of one.

I will not write here in the open, "We are going to adopt a baby". However, those are the words I wrote in my journal. Those are the words we have spoken to one another. Unless God makes it clear that for some reason unknown to us, He does not have that in His best plan for us, then, well, you get the picture...

What child? Is he or she alive at this moment? From where? ...When...?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways." declares the Lord, "For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 

This is not simply the result of watching a couple of brutally awakening documentaries. It has been a progression. This began as nothing but a noble idea, "Oh, yes, we might like to adopt at some point." It turned then into a possible conviction. Quickly then it formed into an act of obedience in our minds. How more practically could we obey Christ's command to care for the orphans than by giving one a home, a family, a life--hope? At this point, as I saw it as an opportunity to obey Christ, fear set in. Great fear. I wanted this, but even greater than my desire was this overarching fear. To take a child in, one not born of our own flesh. How could I love him or her as much as I love Ezekiel? What a skewed thought, but it was my own. Now, as of Thursday night, it has evolved into a burning passion within me. This is something I want so greatly. I begin to cry when the thought ever so slightly enters my mind. It is strong. I do believe this is something God has for us to do.

In twenty years I'm not going to want to remember only the smiles

but also moments like these...

 

 I want to remember more than the moments he first sits up, crawls, and walks.

 

I want to harbor also the falls it took for him to get there.

 

That moment when I first laid eyes on my precious baby boy.

 

I want, also, to treasure in my mind the 9 months of swollen ankles, heartburn, fatigue, and those little hiccups in my abdomen.

As we embark upon 2012, I think back on 2011, the most blessed year of my life thus far. And not only because of this 15 pounds of pure joy

but because God has simply chosen to bless me out of His love. And He has blessed me immensely.

As I look back on 2011, I want to remember not only the successes it bore. Not only those times of happiness or even joy, but the other moments. The moments that are not so attractive, maybe even regretted, but they were put to use. They were used, still, by God's grace, to point me to something better.

I want to recall not only our financial successes, but also those times in which we were so utterly strapped for cash that all we could do was trust God.

Those occasions when I did not give in to selfishness. When I was indeed patient and kind toward my husband. But let me not forget those times I was not patient, and I was rather unkind, that I may not go there again in this new year.

May I always hold dear the times in which I learned something more of God's character; who He is. May I always cherish those moments in which I came to know Him nearer; know Him better. May I also always hold on to those times in which it was a dread to read His Word; a task, a chore. May I recall those times in which I did not want to pray. For those times teach me of my great need for His grace, His intervention in my life, His transformation in my heart.

May I store up in my mind those times in which there was great joy. Precious time alone with my husband in a cabin in the woods. The sound of Ezekiel's first cry when once he was born. Priceless time with my family, both sides, spent simply being together.

I must not fail, however, to also reserve those times of fear, of uncertainty, or of wavering, for they taught me just that much more to trust in my infinite God. My God who commanded His children, more than any other command, to "fear not". Surely He had the authority and reasoning to make such a command. For He is powerful, and He desires good for us. I have no reason to fear. 2011 taught me that, 2012 will continue to do so.

I am blessed. the past 12 months have been rich. Rich with joy, rich with mercy, rich with blessings I do not deserve. God has richly blessed me. I have nothing but anticipation for this new year, for I know--I am certain--that I have a very great God!