Baby's First Christmas.

It spurred in my mind special moments and memories to be made. A perfect picture of our son in his Christmas sweater smiling big next to our perfect Christmas tree. Making tins of beautiful Christmas treats for neighbors, family, and friends. Ezekiel unwrapping his very first Bible.

And so, as our first Christmas season with baby Ezekiel unwrapped itself, I was a little perplexed to find our tree pre-maturely dieing before I had a chance to shoot that perfect photo. Myself, sick as a dog, even in the hospital, and far too ill to make those Christmas goodies for our friends. And one over-tired, cranky baby on Christmas Eve, just a little too unhappy to enjoy unwrapping his Bible.

Things aren't always how we picture them in our minds.

Sometimes, they are a little more messy. Sometimes, a bit more complex. Sometimes, not quite ideal. But sometimes, these are the unexpected necessities of life. They teach us that life will go on without perfection, and that is just fine.

Sickness and weakness teach us of our need. I can't do it all, especially when I am too weak from illness to even pick my crying child up from his crib. I have need.

This need teaches me that it is ok to accept help. Even, to ask for help! It's healthy, in fact.

It wasn't exactly on my Christmas wish list, a night in the hospital after a simple stomach bug rapidly sent me into my first adrenal crisis, a fatal condition if not treated right away with emergency doses of my medication. the Church body is so dear. As our friends responded as soon as we called, on their way to watch our little boy as we went to the hospital. This is how the Church works, and it is incredible.

I'm thankful for that this Christmas. Things may not have unfolded as ideally as I had them laid out in my mind. But in my heart, they turned out far better. We have had 5 full days to spend with our family, the one we get to see less often. Ezekiel even met his Great Grandpa and Grandma Lynum! This time was precious for us. I didn't get that perfect picture of my little boy. Instead, I got a couple handfuls of priceless ones.

 

"And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." John 1:5

They were awaiting a king in splendor, and so went unnoticed a baby in innocence. Today, Jesus is still not who they expect.

"He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him." John 1:10

They awaited a long-anticipated Messiah, coming in glory and power, and so no thought was given to the child, clothed in humility, lying in a lowly manger.

Today, they look for an answer. In health, in wealth, in power and prestige. They give no consideration to the idea that He could be their long-awaited answer. He is not the answer they expect.

"He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him." John 1:11

They watched for a king's procession. A parade to announce the arrival of royalty. And so, no heed was given to the miracle of that one "ordinary" silent night.

Today they wait for that moment when all will make sense. If only enough insight is reached, enough knowledge gained, enough self realized. They do not see that He is the source of knowledge, the epitome of truth.

"There was the true light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man." John 1:9

They waited. Their expectations were high. Yet, the One who came, who went unnoticed, was so much greater than their expectations.

They wait. For what, they do not know. The next big thing, perhaps. An answer to anguish, a salvation from sorrow, a hope for purpose, for something worthwhile.

"And all who heard it wondered at the things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary treasured up all these things, and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:18-19

A few saw, a few understood the magnitude of this birth. This arrival of a dear child,  sovereign savior, majestic messiah, long-awaited answer.

Today, the question remains, will they see Him? Will they embrace Him as Savior, call Him Messiah, and acknowledge Him as the answer?

A tiny child born in a rickety old stable. He was born for us. He lived for us. He was killed for us. He rose for us!

"I am the way, and the truth, and the life;" -Jesus.

I love photos. What is it, "A picture is worth a thousand words"? I think that's an understatement. I love words. But I think a photo can encapsulate a whole lot more than words. They draw our mind immediately to that which we take joy in, that which we love.


Family

Friends

 

 Making treats for family and friends

 Growth and Discovery

 

The past few days have been full of some great photo opportunities. Last night we had a Christmas party for our Bible study group. We've been holding this Bible study in our home the last couple of months, and studying through the book of Colossians. It's been a great opportunity to get into God's Word. We've been so blessed to have friends in our home, and meet new friends!

My brother-in-law Mitchell, and his wife Anna are in town for the weekend! We haven't seen Mitchell since Spring, before he joined the Marines. This was Zeke's first time meeting his Uncle Mitch!

I love Christmas season :)

Art.

To Create.

Sometimes I will be sitting in my classes in the morning, and I begin to think about creating something. A new meal. A batch of muffins. A decoration for the house. A new "tool" to help organize our crazy life. A new page for Ezekiel's scrapbook. A new entry on my blog. Soon--I find myself overcome by this desire to conceive, formulate, and fashion something new. The ideas bombard my mind, and soon my mind is too exhausted to create anything at all!

I don't consider myself particularly crafty. Sure, I've thrown together my fair share of paintings, scrapbook pages, even sewed some sock owls in my day.

 

However, I find myself easily frustrated by the amount of focused time that these crafty endeavors require. 

I've discovered that my favorite creative outlets are baking and writing. And although these may be classified as hobbies, I do like to consider how they may be used to bless others and glorify God. God is, after all, the One who created within me passions for these things. They may seem trivial, but I thank Him for them, and for the joy they bring me in finding in them a means, or avenue, to create.

Perhaps create is an incorrect word, here. A few weeks ago I was teaching the pre-schoolers at church that only God can create, for "to create" is to make something out of nothing. As God did with the earth, and with us humans. Only He can do that. When I create, I use materials already in existence. I use paper, fabric, sugar, chocolate chips, and language. God used His imagination and wisdom to conjure up and speak into being that which never before was. He said His creation was good. I say it is magnificent! It is good and that nothing of His creation is bad. There is no flaw, there is no impurity. His original creation was completely without blemish. It may be blemished today, as it is tainted with wrong; tainted with sin. But what He created was perfect, complete, and whole.

You know what astounds me? What leaves me perplexed? God created so much simply for our enjoyment! He simply wants us to take joy in His imagination, His creativity, and His power, displayed so evidently through His creation! 

He is so evident through His creation!

" For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."  

Romans 1:20

Thanksgiving is:

My favorite day of the year. This year I am overwhelmed. Not that in prior years I did not have reason to be overwhelmed; most certainly I did. Maybe it's just that this year I've taken time to be overwhelmed. Yesterday morning as Zeke was fast asleep in the next room, I sat down to my journal and cup of coffee. I took the opportunity to embrace some silence. Silence is unique in that it offers both rest, and challenge. Rest from noise, from distraction. Challenge to consider what is always present but drowned out by the frenzy of life. I sat in the tiny kitchen in the house my parents rented for all of us for Thanksgiving vacation. I stared out at the woods in back, and listened to nothing but the absence of noise. I began to think upon all that I have to be grateful for. I cannot begin to fathom all that the Lord has done for me, and all that He has given me.


Thanksgiving is: The giving of thanks. The giving of thanks because I have received so abundantly, so richly,so completely all that I need, and that which I desire.

Thanksgiving is:

My family

  This bundle of joy, love, laughter, smiles, that face which makes me melt, a gift of grace, a miracle.

Silliness

 

Great Food

 My family, and our outrageous traditions

Beauty. The beauty found outside. God's creation, so present, so abundant, so pervasive.

Christ died for me. He died to save me. To save my husband. To save my son. To save all of those I love. To save every individual in this world. Because His love is GREAT! We have so much to be thankful for, and I am overwhelmed just to begin to think about it.

This is not one cookie. This is about 5 or 6 pounds of dough....

 

Only a short 50 days until graduation, and our senior class of 23 students is raising money for our class project, helping provide some New Tribes missionaries with literacy materials to teach the Gospel to those who do not yet have God's Word in their language. On Thursday we held a bake sale, so on Wednesday, Zeke and I spent the afternoon in the kitchen, making 8 dozen M&M cookies, and 2 trays of Espresso Chunk brownies.

I froze a couple dozen cookies for our Bible study we began in our home 2 weeks ago. This past Tuesday, we were very blessed to have 3 young families join us, in addition to our 3 friends who came the first week! It was a whole new dynamic--having 4 children, ages 3 months to 3 years, in our small home! It's a challenge which we are eager to embrace, and we hope to make our home, and this Bible study a place where these parents can come, relax, fellowship, and dig into God's Word.

When God began laying this Bible study on our hearts, Gray and I laid it before the Lord, not having any idea what He desires to do with it. We're so excited to see what directions the Lord will take this. We're encouraged to see the Lord working in the lives of believers through His Word and His Holy Spirit. We're also praying to have unbelievers join us in our home, and come to see His great grace and love through this ministry. In the past 3 months, we've had 3 new families move into the houses right next to ours. We've been praying for opportunities to develop relationships with them, and invite them to the Bible study. We have invited our landlord and his girlfriend, who live upstairs from us, and we're praying that they'll accept the invite and join us one of these nights. They've also commented on the "good smelling coffee" always emanating from our apartment, so hopefully we can have them over for coffee sometime soon. Please pray for our neighbors and our relationships with them.

Today I was very encouraged in class as we went over specific verses dealing with how we come to know the Truth.

We come to know God's Truth through the ministry of His Word, along with the ministry of His Holy Spirit.

The Truth in God's Word

"If you abide in My Word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:31-32

"Sanctify them in the truth; Thy Word is truth." John 17:17

The Truth, Revealed by the Holy Spirit

"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all truth..." John 16:13

"'Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those that love Him.' For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God." 

1 Corinthians 2:9-10

"When the Helper comes, Whom I will send to you form the Father, that is the Spirit of truth, Who proceeds from the Father, He will bear witness of Me." John 15:26

As we pursue God through His Word and His Spirit within us, may He be at work to bring us to a greater, more intimate knowledge of Himself.

Fresh, homemade apple crisp made from apples we hand-picked at the orchard, along with a soy latte? Yes please :)

 

This transition into motherhood is resulting in a vast change in perspective. Not just my perspective on how much time an adequate shower requires, or my perspective on a "good night's sleep", but my perspective on Christ's incarnation. A couple of weeks ago, Z and I were walking in the park with my friend Alissa and her baby girl. Alissa and I began to discuss what life must have been like for Mary, raising baby Jesus. Did Jesus ever cry for hours on end and leave her frustrated and exhausted? Jesus really had messy diapers and snotty noses? The one that boggled us the most was, when did baby Jesus realize He was God? Obviously He knew He was God, but a child may not even develop a self awareness until a couple years of age. As He developed that awareness of self, is that when He recognized His identity as God's Son?

The other day I was laying on our sofa, cradling Ezekiel in my arms as he was fast asleep. He had been crying for a good 20 minutes. His face was still red and tear-stricken. As a mother, I cannot bear to see my child suffer. I began to think about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsamane, before He was led off to be crucified. I cannot imagine the heartbreak of God as He looked down upon His own Son, seeing the beads of sweat and blood pouring from His face, fully aware of the impending suffering that would befall on Him. Not only the physical anguish, but the unbearable separation that would form a chasm between them as Christ would take upon Himself the sin of the world.

I have never known a love before like the love I have for my child. Yes, my love for God and my love for Grayson actually surpasses this, but this love I have for my son is all-together a new and different devotion of love and responsibility. From the perspective of a parent, I cannot begin to fathom the agony that God the Father felt as He watched His own Son suffer. It is a beautiful, glorious picture of His own love for us.

Gray and I are being severely challenged in regards to service. As a result, we are so very, very excited about our impending graduations this December, and the time we will have to invest in ministry, or rather, in other's lives. We can't deny that we have been busy. Raising our first child , both in school full-time, and Grayson working full time has left us spread thin. This however, is no excuse for how long it has taken this conviction to rise within us. I thank God for what He has been doing in our life and hearts recently to bring us to this new conviction for ministry. Yes, it has always been our desire to be involved in ministry, but lately God has placed, or rather revealed in our hearts such a need to minister in other people's lives. Gray and I have had such edifying conversations lately about how and where we can invest ourselves in other people's lives for the glory of God. Please do not get me wrong, I write about this in no way--absolutely no way--to boast, for this has only been God's working in our heart, and as previously stated, it has taken far too long for this conviction to rise in our hearts. 

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." -Ephesians 2:10

This is in no way to obtain salvation, but rather the product, or fruit of our salvation. As we are identified in Christ, our heart should be that of His, and Christ was most definitely a servant! We were created with one of our purposes being to do good works. Lately I have been challenged in this, do my desires in life allign with what God created me for?

Last month Grayson and I took Ezekiel down to meet his great-grandpa Fiebig.

 

While we were there, several of the resident at the facility showed such excitement over little Zeke, and commented that they had not seen a baby in so long. This broke my heart. Since that visit, I have felt such a desire to take Zeke to visit with some senior folks. We had that opportunity this morning! Every month our youth group from church sets out into the community to serve. One group was going to a senior living facility, So Z and I tagged along. It is such a blessing for me to watch my son be such a blessing to others.

Please pray for Grayson and me as we are pursuing several area of ministry right now. We're looking into possibilities through our church, the local Salvation Army, and we will be starting a Bible study in our home this week (another thing God has been laying quite heavily on our hearts recently) We realize there is always a danger of burning out. We must serve only in the strength God gives us, and only to His glory. Please pray for us in these things.

  

A blog post! Has life returned to a somewhat normal routine? Routine would hardly be my word of choice. Life with this little guy:

 

is anything but routine; anything but mundane; anything but dull! He keeps us on our toes. One of my new favorite things to do is watch Ezekiel discover. What it must be like (because the Lord knows I don't remember) to discover everything for the first time! 

As we drive to school in the morning, I watch him in the mirrors as he gazes out the window, his eyes moving curiously about, trying to take in the world as it flies by. And today, as we took his Labrador out for a walk to see the Autumn colors, Ezekiel stared out of his stroller up into the trees and the sky, taking in all of the new colors and scents of the imminent season of Fall. Ezekiel has never seen Fall. He has never smelled it. How brilliant it must be to introduced to such a beautiful thing for the very first time!

I've begun teaching the Cubbies (3 & 4 Year olds) in our Awana program at church. They are learning about God's love through creation (A perfect place to start!) and the lessons may be blessing me even more than them. Last night they learned about God's creation of plants. I wanted to teach them about how God blesses us with plants for beauty and consumption (I used a smaller word for them ;) I brought in different fruits, vegetables, grains, beans, and flowers. As they discover God through the creation of the earth, I get to discover God on a deeper level through how He has created children. I teach the 3 year olds and 4 year olds separately, and I love to see the vast difference between the two groups, even though only a year difference in age stands between them.

I asked for a couple of volunteers in each group to come and smell a certain plant product I had brought with in a tupperware. The 4 year olds were stumped. The 3 year olds, however, knew it straight away:  Coffee!!!  When I brought out the flowers, the 4 year olds sat quietly on the floor watching and listening as I explained the colors and shapes. When I brought out the flowers for the 3 year olds, I was immediately charged by a crew of curious little eyes and noses wanting a closer look and big whif of the beautiful plants!

I want to be that eager to discover. Just as I'm teaching these little ones every week, I want to stand in awe of God's creation, taking in more of Him and His love through it.

^"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

"Because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse." Romans 1:19-20

My aunt recently gave me my grandmother's bread machine. And I have to ask myself--how have I lived 21 years without such a contraption?!?! Needless to say, we've been eating a lot of bread this week.

Of course, I was drawn to a recipe for "Coffee Spice Bread" to start with. It called for 2/3 cup of brewed coffee. I opted for 2/3 cup of brewed espresso.

 

Z Loves to help me in the kitchen!

"Our Father strips everything away from time to time to give us the opportunity of loving and trusting and responding to Him just because He is our Father.

He knows what the cross is going to mean in our lives; He knows the death march that lies ahead of us in order that there may be resurrection life; He knows the bearen, bleeding hearts beyond to whom He must minister through us--hence He is going to bring us to the place where we don't care what happens: He is all that matters!"

Miles J Stanford, The Complete Green Letters.

When I was 16, I was responsible for coordinating and leading our youth group on a missions trip to Panama. While there, the Lord taught me more about myself and ministry, rather than what it meant to lead others in ministry. He knew that before anything--before assuming a role of leadership--I had more development to pursue within my own faith.

I remember one night. It was a night when the students were challenged. I felt God laying something specifically upon my heart. "You will be crushed". That was all. What did it mean? It terrified me because I assumed it must mean a very specific stripping away of something or someone close in my life. From time to time, I wondered about this for years.

I realize now what God meant. I know what the stripping away has been, and must continue to be. It is indeed a stripping away of someone very close to me. It is a stripping away of myself. I must become less, that He becomes more. Not even, but I must become absolutely nothing, that He may become everything in me.

"He knows what the cross is going to mean in our lives"

"He knows the death march that lies ahead of us in order that there may be resurrection life"

"For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall be also in the likeness of His resurrection." Romans 6:5

"Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him" Romans 6:8

We are not only awaiting our physical death and eternal life with Him. This "death march" takes place now, here on earth. The cross looks different for each one of us. It is a stripping away; a crucifixion of all we are--our nature. But it is all the same in reality. The cross is our death and burial, that we may live, here and now, in the presence of our Lord and Savior who has made this possible.

Well, we're finally under 50 days, and I will now allow myself to begin the countdown :)

From and including: Thursday, June 9, 2011
To and including: Wednesday, July 27, 2011
It is 49 days from the start date to the end date, end date included
Or 1 month, 19 days including the end date

Alternative time units

49 days can be converted to one of these units:

• 4,233,600 seconds
• 70,560 minutes
• 1176 hours
• 7 weeks 

It's hard to make out (unless you're his mom), but this is little Ezekiel looking right at the camera. His forehead all the way to the right, then his little eyes and nose, his big chubby cheeks and chin.

Although I'd never ask for my pregnancy to be high-risk, the one positive about it is that I get to see him on ultrasound every few weeks. It's incredible.

The nervousness has begun to kick in. Not concerning labor, I'm just ready to get that going and done with! The change--especially this being our first child--we have absolutely no idea of what to expect, or what exactly will change. We can only take it as it comes.

Where is my oven mit?

I hate moving....

Laying in bed last night, I told Grayson that I "really don't like large doses of change". He just laughed. I suppose it is a bit ironic, with us preparing to move to Europe and all. This transition has proven to be a much bigger turning point in my life than I thought. I thought we were just moving all of our belongings 10 minutes from their previous destination. I thought it would be a simple material adjustment of washing our dishes by hand, and our clothes at a coin machine (or at church...) I was wrong. This simple change has me thinking. This is where, in a short time, I will be chasing a toddler around in the yard. It's where our sweet little boy will spend the first years of his life. And it will (hopefully) be our last home here in America before we pack up and make a much bigger move, and a much larger transition; one which will require far more adjustment.

Didn't I used to thrive on the adventure of new surroundings? What has caused me, or allowed me, to become so comfortable in a setting that I am reluctant of change? As a teenager it was everything I could wish for to board a plane bound for a completely unknown land. Now, grown, married, and baby on the way, at times I wonder--are we being realistic? Are we crazy?

If so, then crazy is what I want to be. For I know that God has called us to this very thing--to preach His gospel of good news to the lost of this world. And specifically, to gain and grow believers in distant lands, where they will then gain and grow more, causing an exponential growth of the body of Christ. When I think about this, complacency becomes the most appalling thing to my being. I want to be uncomfortable. I know for certain the apostle Paul was not comfortable as he faced beatings, imprisonment, or even being "constantly on the move". (2 Cor. 11:26)

God has called us to a life so much bigger, so much more full of adventure, and so much more rewarding. The next two years hold so much in way of preparation and growth, and so much blessing; more than we can even anticipate. And then, once we're ready for the next phase--one of bringing the Gospel of Grace to lost people in a distant land--I will not be full of apprehension, but rather an eager zeal for all the Lord has in store for us, and for those He will bring to Himself.

My heart is eager to progress in our path to ministry overseas.

Sometimes being here can be exhausting, only because my heart is so furiously fighting to be elsewhere. I must at times reign it in. I know, although our time of preparation has extended itself beyond our initial expectations, that this is God's hand at work, preparing us for successful ministry.

As our wise leaders at church have told us, they will not "send us over to fail". If we're going--we are going prepared. God would desire it no other way.

However we at time still find ourselves discouraged; as if we're at a standstill.

Yet we know that these time-consuming steps in our life will not prove futile. School, ministry, work, even the time itself between now and our overseas ministry each play a part in building a successful base for our ministry.

But only if God is in them. If in anything we do God is not present, and Christ is not preeminent, then it is indeed a waste of time.

May school never be for that degree alone. May work never be for that paycheck. May ministry never be for that "check" off of our to-do list.

This time is precious, although frustrating as it can be.

Where Vulnerability Meets Grace

Father, my offense towards You in greater than any offense I have ever suffered against me.
An irrevocable disdain,  even if only through my birth.
Tainted by breath--Your original breath of life, swallowed up by death; these clay hands to pound those nails.
The nails driven in by my own force.
They puncture Your Dear One's flesh.
They puncture, also, the wall which binds my soul from hope.
For a moment, it's as if we're near, my hand so near to Yours.
Yet when I look down, there is a crimson separation.
The nail, from my hand to yours, demands blood.
As sign of Your life surfaces and begins to trickle down, I am alarmed by an unexpected glance at Light.
It is piercing through that wall, through a small breech, straight into my soul, and I feel warmth.
I feel it now in my eyes; I cannot hold it back.
As I aim the second spike, and place it so carefully into Your flesh, I begin to tremble.
I can bear it no longer--into Your eyes I glance.
All at once, I am vulnerable.
My tears sting my eyes. They flow warmly down my face.
They fall to Your arm, mixing with Your spilled blood.
Though I could not see it until now, I now see, we are united.
Separated by this nail; brought together in Your blood.
Yet Your agony does not cease, nor does Your inflicter relent.
Slowly, as to not be overcome by this trembling, I rise to my feet. I release my gavel and it falls to my side.
I walk only a small distance from You, and I pick up the rope.
For the first time, and only for a moment, I see those standing around me. They, too, shed their tears.
With all of my might, I pull the rope.
Your cross begins to rise.
Your eyes peer down into mine.
Yet I see no hatred. I see no regret in Your gaze.
My sobs have become uncontrollable.
Only as soon as I can secure my rope to its peg, do I fall to my knees.
Slowly I drag myself to the foot of Your cross. I place my hand down to keep myself upright.
I place it straight into Your pool of blood.
Staring now at my blood-soaked hand, I see this invaluable mixture of Your blood and my tears.
Our unity.
Your crimson sacrifice, my inability, my relent.
I can go no further. I stop here at Your cross.
This is where I dwell.
The only place where my vulnerability may be met by Your grace.


"If we have been united with Him like this in His death, we will certainly also be united with Him in His resurrection." Romans 6:5

It's Friday, but Sunday's coming!

Two years ago to this day, Grayson Lynum took me hiking in the Vernon Marsh, a beautiful wetland--the same one he took me hiking in to ask me to date him. This time, just like the fist, he built me a fire. This time, like the first, he asked me a big question. But this one was a bit weightier than the first. And this time, unlike the first, he placed a beautiful gold ring on my hand.

That ring makes me smile to this day when I glance down at it. And behind it lays a simple golden band. It's a simple symbol signifying an ever-increasing devotion I have to my husband. An ever-increasing love.

It's incredible the amount of life you can live in the span of two years, and how very different that life can develop than first expected. Here I am, two years later, married to my best friend, and 6 months pregnant with our son. God has brought us so far in our marriage, our schooling, our church, and our pursuit of ministry.

But today I am thinking also about how far God has brought me in my relationship to Him in the past two years. I am ever thankful for the growth He has produced within me. Today I wrote a paper for class on what it has means to me, in my life, to be "complete in Christ".

"and in Him you have been made complete" (Colossians 2:10)

I am fully complete. He has fully reconciled me that I have complete access to Himself and all the riches of Christ. Hope. Glory. Peace. Joy. Goodness. Strength. Victory. These are all presently mine in Christ! The potential I have in Him is complete fullness. My life is hidden within Him, and I am secure because of that. I am safe and secure in my future glory with Him. As well, I am safe and secure in my life here on earth, because it is founded in Him. I can live fully victorious in Him! I am no longer enslaved to my old sinful nature. Instead, I can live fully aware of all I have in Christ. In His power I live identified with Christ in newness of life!


Two years is a short time. The past two have been packed full of life! And I have a feeling this is still just the beginning.....

I may be too wordy.


All throughout school, I was the one stressing not over meeting the word count on a paper, but rather limiting myself to the maximum word count allowance. And here I find myself again at 91 words over, and I have not yet written my conclusion.

I hate deleting words.

It's funny, too, because most people describe me as "quiet". Not on paper, I guess.

I'm working on credit 3 of 15, and can see an end in the distance. Come this December (prayerfully), both Gray and me will be finished with school. That's an abstract idea to grasp in my mind. We have been working at this for so long. Deterred by so many things:  Work, travel, finances, marriage--life, really. It's a big step in our path to the field; a big check on that list of things needing to be accomplished before we can be sent. And mentally, it will be a huge personal accomplishment for the both of us.

It is interesting how life can "get in the way", but at the same time, serve to better prepare us. I would never trade my experiences overseas, the opportunity to work in our church, marrying young to my best friend, or even the lessons we've learned through financial struggles, just to complete school sooner. Yes--it has delayed us in our path to the field. But we would not have been ready sooner, for we needed these "roadblocks" to prepare us.

Our path has stretched out much longer than anticipated. It is much, much rougher than I imagined. I'm thankful for both of these. Although there is such an urgency in my heart, one that rings true to the urgency of the Gospel in God's own heart, I know that He is taking His perfect time to make us ready, that we may be successful in the preaching of His Word.

It is hard waiting. It is so hard. Emotionally, some days it is such a bleak and distant thing in my mind. Will we ever get there? It has been so long already. Yet when I turn around, and glance instead to how far God has already brought us, I am sure--He is leading the way. He is walking with us. And He will get us there.

That is all that I desire, after all.

"We rationalize these passages away.

'Jesus wouldn't really tell us not to bury our father or say good-bye to our family. Jesus didn't literally mean to sell all we have and give it to the poor. What Jesus really meant was...'

And this is where we need to pause. Because we are starting to redefine Christianity. We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist Him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with.

A nice, middle-class, American Jesus.

A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that He receives all our affection."

"Radical" by David Platt.

In small group a few weeks back, our group leader challenged us to write in order of importance, these things in our life:

God. Self. Spouse. Family. Friends. Things.

We were to write, first, what these should look like in order of importance. Then, we were to write them in actuality, how we have set them up in our lives, in view of priority.

I was surprised by the difference of my two lists. It's something I've always known of myself but not known how exactly to address. I put myself first, as we all do. Secondly I place my husband, then  God.

1. Me.
2. Grayson.
3. God.

And it makes me wonder, once this precious boy is born, this little one I already love with more than I ever though I could, will God move even further down that list?

I praise God for the great love He has bestowed on me, and that I share that very love with my husband. I know we have something far unique to the average American marriage. I know I need to love him, as I do, with Christ's very love, but at the same time, never place him above Christ in my life. Not with my time, not with my affection, not with my thoughts, not with my love. Christ needs to be first. That doesn't mean I need to love Grayson less. It means that I need to love Christ more.

It means that I need to love Christ with more love than I have ever known myself to posses. With more love than I can ever muster up from my own heart. I need to love Him with only a love that comes from Him. And that will take my whole life, with His working inside of my heart.

Lord, help me to love you more today than I did yesterday.

Our Baby Boy!

A near-death experience makes you think. Especially when it's eternal death.

Last night, right before we went to bed, Grayson took our puppy outside. When he opened our door, he found our neighbor laying at the bottom of her staircase on the concrete landing below. She was unconscious, with blood coming out of both ears and labored breathing.

It's one of those times when you can hear in your spouse's voice that something is very wrong.

When I saw her, I thought she was dead until I heard her faint and determined breaths. The paramedics, along with 5 squad cars, 2 ambulances and at least 1 fire truck lit up our whole street. By the time they took her away she was slightly conscious.

As we followed the ambulance to the hospital, all I could think was, "She's not saved."

The immediacy and tragedy of the situation was not that she could lose her life, but that she might have been in hell that very night. What could I have done to prevent her eternal damnation?

During that 20-minute drive I was consumed by guilt. Yes, I've invited her to church on several occasions, and yes, our life and marriage is a testimony to this lost women, but truly, what initiation was not taken? I did not see the urgency.

I see it now. But will I see it tomorrow? Will I see it in a few weeks, when, prayerfully she returns home?

She is ok, for now. She'll remain in the ICU for a few more days undergoing observation for the bleeding in her brain and five skull fractures. If she pulls through; if she makes a full recovery; this I pray will be her turning point.

Oh Lord, pull her through this, and give me another chance.

Why is it that we take so lightly the urgency of the Gospel? That phrase in itself, "urgency of the Gospel", has lost its intensity and fierceness. We could name a million things that distract us from sharing the Gospel with those we come into regular contact with, but when it comes down to it, we are cowards. Where is the "fire shut up in my bones"? Woe to me if I speak not the Gospel. We just take it so lightly, we don't even consider the repercussions. We don't consider the consequences of our lack of effort. We don't consider the souls on their way to eternal destruction--Hell.

May God have mercy on us, and may He embolden us, for we have the greatest message in the world to proclaim!

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes..." Romans 1:16

May I not be a hypocrite in writing this.

Uncertainty and insecurity go hand in hand. So meticulously we plan our days, our years, and our lives. As soon as a wrench is thrown in the works, breeding uncertainty into our minds and hearts, we surrender our security. We prove ourselves diligent to our own outline of how things ought to be orchestrated, doing our part to see the projected conclusion come to fruition. Whether this be in regards to our financial dreams, psychical goals, Spiritual growth, or where we will be in 5 years, we strive forward.

Then, once an unexpected fork in the road appears, or we find ourselves knocked to the ground after running face first into a roadblock, we are unsure of ourselves, our goals, and our God. We may claim to know His faithfulness, but in the wake of our surprise and confusion, we forfeit His promises.

"and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His great might that He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places." Ephesians 1:19-20

God's own power--the same power exhibited when He raised Christ from death unto exaltation at God's own right hand in Heaven--this very power He works in us.

"...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection".

This power offered directly from our sovereign God is only one promise. Peace. Grace. Glorification. Solid promises composing together our sound and stable foundation which is Christ Himself.

And so my question--why do we waver?

Gray and I have experienced more roadblocks and setbacks in our short life of marriage than I would have envisioned at the outset. But as we came upon each one, my heart was brought back to remember past accounts of God's direct faithfulness interceding on our behalf. Each roadblock or set back became a new path; a greater path than we had originally embarked on. God saw it when we hadn't, and He knew that the pain and confusion of our "hindered" plan would be worth the better way He had set forth for us.

We we're en route for Rome. Our hearts were already aboard that plane, along with our teammates whom we knew the Lord had placed in our life. For us, Team Rome was for only a time-- a much shorter time than we had anticipated. And once we surrendered to God's better plan, we were immediately enveloped in His peace, overshadowing any uncertainty. We still don't see completely this new path, or it's end destination, or even the facets of its purpose. We know it, however, to glorify God; our walking this better path simply in obedience to Him. This is just one of many (although a big one) of the redirecting barriers God has allowed in our way. We face them every week, some more than others, as He divinely guides us toward His ultimate plan.

The burdens and trials of life come, little and large, and seem at times to form an attack against us. Yet as we pick through the chaff of those trials, we discover the good grains. Those grains produce growth, perseverance, character, and ultimately lead us closer to a God whom offers us complete and unconditional security.

I desire an exhausted life. One sold out for God, my husband, and this child within me. I, however, refuse on a daily basis to live a busy life. God provided manna for the Israelites; just enough for each day He provided. On the sixth day, God provided a double portion. He gave to the Israelites enough for that day and the next, and told them to use the following day not for gathering manna, but to rest.

I don't need to be busy in order to attain provisions. God provides, that is sure and I am confident in that provision. He provides even enough to allow us rest. Not only does He allow it, He commands it. He knows we need it.

I desire an exhausted life. At the end, I wish to look back and see that I was completely poured out, empty to the point that I am no more. If one were to look at me, I hope they see not myself, but an emptied vessel. God works when we are empty, desolate and dry. He cannot work when we are full of ourselves--puffed up by our "productivity".

The tiny kicks in my abdomen throughout the day are a welcome reminder of my inadequacy. I cannot love enough, I cannot offer enough grace, I cannot claim enough wisdom, and my servant's heart is lacking. I offer my all to God by offering only myself to Him. Not my efforts. Not my sacrifices. Not my energies. I offer me by inviting Him to show up inside of me. Use me, because I cannot offer anything but this empty clay pot. Mold me, and fill me to overflowing with Your love and grace, because You alone are enough.